It's not about having the "Right words," but having words, PERIODT.

In light of the recent case of Amhaud Arbery who was murdered in what can only be named a hate crime. It's in moments like this- Black death as a result of racism, creates emotional upheaval for me personally- as a Black woman in the United States. It breaks my heart and if you look back to these posts, you'll see that race relations has been a significant through-line for me.

This recent murder and the footage that was released almost two months after his killing, raised many of the same emotions and feelings of disruption, disappointment, anger and fear, that the previous cases have. The collective grief that becomes unearthed at each tragic loss is very much an open wound for many Black, African descent Americans. 

I was reading a Blog Post from Hillsong Collected, titled The World Needs a Saviour by Ps. Bobbie Houston. In it Ps. Bobbie notes the following:

 empathy is “the ability to lean in and identify with the difficulties of another”, regardless of whether you have experienced that difficultly firsthand or not.

 Reading this literally raised something for me that I didn't quite dig at as much. In times passed, I have struggled with what feels like silence, particularly from white people around the racism that is being actively displayed on social media platforms, in the form of Black death. It has been frustrating at times to feel like, my pain is not recognized, cared for, or even validated. 

I have at times "lashed" out on the silence of friends, hoping to break through to connect with the human experience and the pain and suffering that either I or others are experiencing. 

What I hear and took time to listen to with more intention this last time was "I don't know the words to say."

WHEW!!!

When I finally heard and really received those statements in the context of this loss of life, I realized something. My friends' statements vocally or through their social media platforms, stating "I don't know the words to say..." isn't a bad thing. It isn't a silent thing as I was making it out to be. 

 I struggle a lot with having words and really ,"the right words," to say to make someone feel better. It's in our nature when grief comes to be able to say the "right" words to "fix" something. To make our friends, family, whomever we are interacting with "feel better."

It is in this way of entering the conversation that I myself have failed. One significant detail that comes to mind is the Pulse Shootings in Orlando in 2016. I didn't "rally" the way I can sometimes expect my friends to "rally" for me when someone who looks like me is murdered in a very public way. I missed an opportunity to be present for my friends who were in pain and were likely hurting from the aftermath of these shootings. 

I realize I don't always "rally" for my friends navigating with trauma proximate to their lives.... Why? Not having the "right" words. The words I hope that bring solace or comfort or "fix" the problem.

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with others who rejoice; Mourn with those who mourn

 

 There are no "right" words that will take the pain away. But we show up anyway. Romans 12:15 makes it pretty plain and simple-rejoice with others who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  That alone gives us a tie back to Empathy. You don't have to be connected to the emotions directly in order to say, I am with you. 

Right words are words of love. 

Right words are words of validating someone else's emotions.

Right words are words that tell some one you care about, I don't have the answers. I know I can't fix this thing, but I see your pain and I am with you. 

Right words are words that celebrate the highs and are there in the lows. 

Right words are getting out of our own way. Our comfort and being proximate to someone else's pain. Not because you "get it," but because you may want to. 

Right words are merely showing up, saying I see you and I am with you. 

Here is to the death of tolerance and political correctness...

This blog was originally written August 6, 2010...

So I am a Resident Assistant, and over the last week we have been in training to better understand our roles as RAs. Today we had a session on diversity. I caution looking at diversity as it pertains solely to race. Diversity comes in many different sections and pockets and ones that we don't often think of. This particular session we had these really interesting conversations and activities. I am normally extremely cautious during these conversations because depending on the dynamic I am most often looked to to answer some of the questions on diversity. It is often assumed that because I am a person of color that I am going to know "the meaning of diversity." Part of my uneasiness with these conversations is that I often think that I will be perceived as the "angry Black woman," or the person who constantly has to make things about race etc.
But let me give you a little more background on me, I am sure by the other blogs you have read covering this topic that I do have an opinion on certain race standards in this country and I guess in this world. I do not expect that everyone is going to be "color blind" and "stereotype blind" either. I understand that we are often a product of our environments and that there are many opportunities for growth and development. But I do think that there is a lot that we need to do in order to prepare for this sort of development and one of those techniques is to be open for dialogue.
However, as I mentioned in at least one of these blogs on this topic, in the United States it seems that because of the history of race relations we can't figure out a way to come to the table and have an open and honest conversation about race,difference and diversity, which is inclusive and not one sided.
What sparked my thoughts down the diversity "track" is a video we watched during training called "What would you do?" Apparently this ABC TV show has everyday individuals confront their own biases and stereotypes by a created and often elevated scenarios. For the purposes of our discussion on diversity we watched this video in training. In this particular segment the stereotypes stemmed from "controversy" behind Gay couples. An "undercover" Gay couple was planted into a Bar to test (in many ways) the mindset of the people who utilize this bar. Many of the bar patrons defended the couple when they were being ostracized by another planted actor to irritate the situation.
During part of the evaluation of the scenario, a woman interviewed said that Americans have become more "tolerant" of the differences of people. But I wonder if tolerance needs to be placed in the same category as "political Correctness(pc)?" In the late 90's into the turn of the century, Americans have tried to embody this idea of a "post" Society, whether it has been a "post- racial" society or something else. I think that part of the "political correct" phenomenon is that often being "pc" was inserted without a real understanding. Sentences like " Let me be Politically Correct by saying..." or parents telling kids that it's not "pc" to call a person "xyz" (sorry any of the words that I could insert here are words that I am don't want to say). I think for me the uncomofrtablity I have about being "pc" and being seen as "tolerant" is the fact that we just insert these "" statements wherever we find necessary without really understanding why it is that these phrases or comments can be offensive. And then I guess to pull out the "angry Black woman" these "" terms seem to also fall into those "well I have a Black friend," statements and sort of leave room for a cover to being able to "get away" with certain things and certain language. In public we are "pc" but in private we are still working out our issues. I think in many respects this "pc" and "tolerance" language is only a band aid for a much bigger problem.
Let's look at the most recent examples of the why I think we still have a long way to go: Rev. Jeremiah Wright (President Obama's former Reverend) caught under fire for his sermons which had been detrimental to Obama's campaign. During the Health Care Bill fight- Congressmen and women were being called the N-word by outraged community members and were being told that they were playing into the Democratic relationship with Civil Rights history and "playing the race card." These are things that are scary, how are we not able to have these conversations without throwing out concerns and accusations that every time something happens it turns into people being too sympathetic or rather certain populations are looked at as throwing out the "race card" too often. And for me that is the problem- if we can't talk about these issues that affect us and why they affect us without being programmed to think that in some way it is wrong, how can we be post race, or post-anything? We are far from it and we have a long way to go until we are able to openly have this discussion.
I do not think that having an open and honest conversation about the issues that concern us can cause any harm. I think what it does is open up a space of understanding. People in general do not have to get along, but what does happen is that there is a space created with a deeper level of understanding than has been given before.
I think that there is a lot of growth in conversations and in asking questions. I think that there is more harm than making assumptions than there is in asking uncomfortable questions.
Do I have a solution for these issues? I think for starters levels of civility and curiosity need to begin during childhood. Children need to learn the differences of other people early on. I think that we need to be a country that allows more room for ques tons, much ignorance comes from a lack of understanding, and if we provide our children with the space to question their surroundings I think it will go a long way.
This is an ongoing debate. I think it has to be, and there will be many more blogs that I will use to develop these thoughts, but I just wanted to share this brief moment with you now.
Take a moment, let it marinate and tell me what you think. Change starts here!