The words I couldn't say- STOP KILLING US

Today, May 27, 2020 on my IGTV I made an attempt to say these words out loud. But I couldn't get them out, not in the fullness of the way I wanted to. So I am taking a moment to drop them here. 

---

Whether you believe in God or not, this is a truth that grounds me and has been so eloquently written by Ps. Brian Houston in his book, Live Love Lead, "... we are made in God's image as relational beings, created to belong, to serve, to worship, and to live in community."

If COVID-19 teaches us anything, it's that we are more connected than some of us would like to admit. We are seeing the real impact of our actions and choices in someone else's life. 

#StopKillingUs has been a rallying cry for me, but it's bigger than the "us" that looks like me. 

I believe that there is a God, whose perfect plan is the reconciliation of His creation to Him and then to each other. 

The Bible talks about the Body of Christ and this beautiful representation of a body. When you put into perspective the various parts of the body and all their roles and responsibilities to make the body whole, it is a beautiful illustration of who we are in Christ and who we are as a COMMUNITY. The Bible highlights when there are pieces of the body missing, that the body won't function at its best. 

When you think about your body when it is sick, the body will attack itself, trying to kill out what should not be present. 

Applying this illustration with natural eyes to the recent story out of Minneapolis, MN, then yes, 4 officers killed a man who didn't deserve death--- insert any act that ends in someone's life being taken. At the end of that narrative, a life is lost. 

I cry out and grieve for the significant loss of life, because the Body of Christ lost a member. A member that would have been a perfect fit for this Body. I cry out because the body is attacking itself! 

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr has a quote about his freedom being inextricably linked to that of another. When will we get it that the virus of racism is killing ALL of us! We are all dying at it's sight. 

This body is ACHING! 

This body is BLEEDING!

This body, OUR BODY, is WOUNDED AND NEEDS HEALING.

It needs the healing of knowing we are meant to be in community with each other. 

It needs the healing of knowing we can't survive this life without each other.

It needs healing.

We need healing.

My body needs healing

MY SOUL CRIES OUT!

His name was George Floyd, "He Couldn't Breathe."

MY SOUL CRIES OUT! 

 

It's not about having the "Right words," but having words, PERIODT.

In light of the recent case of Amhaud Arbery who was murdered in what can only be named a hate crime. It's in moments like this- Black death as a result of racism, creates emotional upheaval for me personally- as a Black woman in the United States. It breaks my heart and if you look back to these posts, you'll see that race relations has been a significant through-line for me.

This recent murder and the footage that was released almost two months after his killing, raised many of the same emotions and feelings of disruption, disappointment, anger and fear, that the previous cases have. The collective grief that becomes unearthed at each tragic loss is very much an open wound for many Black, African descent Americans. 

I was reading a Blog Post from Hillsong Collected, titled The World Needs a Saviour by Ps. Bobbie Houston. In it Ps. Bobbie notes the following:

 empathy is “the ability to lean in and identify with the difficulties of another”, regardless of whether you have experienced that difficultly firsthand or not.

 Reading this literally raised something for me that I didn't quite dig at as much. In times passed, I have struggled with what feels like silence, particularly from white people around the racism that is being actively displayed on social media platforms, in the form of Black death. It has been frustrating at times to feel like, my pain is not recognized, cared for, or even validated. 

I have at times "lashed" out on the silence of friends, hoping to break through to connect with the human experience and the pain and suffering that either I or others are experiencing. 

What I hear and took time to listen to with more intention this last time was "I don't know the words to say."

WHEW!!!

When I finally heard and really received those statements in the context of this loss of life, I realized something. My friends' statements vocally or through their social media platforms, stating "I don't know the words to say..." isn't a bad thing. It isn't a silent thing as I was making it out to be. 

 I struggle a lot with having words and really ,"the right words," to say to make someone feel better. It's in our nature when grief comes to be able to say the "right" words to "fix" something. To make our friends, family, whomever we are interacting with "feel better."

It is in this way of entering the conversation that I myself have failed. One significant detail that comes to mind is the Pulse Shootings in Orlando in 2016. I didn't "rally" the way I can sometimes expect my friends to "rally" for me when someone who looks like me is murdered in a very public way. I missed an opportunity to be present for my friends who were in pain and were likely hurting from the aftermath of these shootings. 

I realize I don't always "rally" for my friends navigating with trauma proximate to their lives.... Why? Not having the "right" words. The words I hope that bring solace or comfort or "fix" the problem.

Romans 12:15 Rejoice with others who rejoice; Mourn with those who mourn

 

 There are no "right" words that will take the pain away. But we show up anyway. Romans 12:15 makes it pretty plain and simple-rejoice with others who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn.  That alone gives us a tie back to Empathy. You don't have to be connected to the emotions directly in order to say, I am with you. 

Right words are words of love. 

Right words are words of validating someone else's emotions.

Right words are words that tell some one you care about, I don't have the answers. I know I can't fix this thing, but I see your pain and I am with you. 

Right words are words that celebrate the highs and are there in the lows. 

Right words are getting out of our own way. Our comfort and being proximate to someone else's pain. Not because you "get it," but because you may want to. 

Right words are merely showing up, saying I see you and I am with you. 

TENSION: What is American?

It's funny that as I being to write this post and what ultimately was the catalyst of this post, I look back at an unpublished post that I began on the subject "Context Matters."

I come to you today frustrated, hurt, disappointed, a bit in rage, if I am honest. Yesterday, was the 4th of July in the United States a celebration of this great nation's independence against tyranny and oppression of their day. My tension is that for me, I just wasn't in a space of celebration or reverence. Instead I was in a bit of a space of mourning, which became ever more evident by the conflicting posts in my social media timelines.

This Independence Day was hard to celebrate in light of migrant camps where people are dying due to terrible conditions within them. It was hard to celebrate seeing stories of Black Israelis protesting the shooting of a Black teen by an off-duty cop and other rising experiences of police brutality against Black men in Israel, does this sound familiar? It was hard to celebrate with the backdrop of social media timeline arguments of individuals noting what is "American" and what is not "American."

And then this morning, I wake up and scroll my news feed to see an article noting that Sen. Ted Cruz responded to a post by Colin Kaepernick regarding Frederick Douglass speech- 'What to a Slave is the Fourth of July?' The title of the article "Cruz adds 'context' after Colin Kaepernick quotes Frederick Douglass 'Fourth of July' Speech."

On the Fourth of July, 2019, Colin Kaepernick quotes an excerpt of Frederick Douglass' famed speech with a video that interweaves historical accounts of slavery and also current experiences of Black men in the U.S. and police brutality.  The excerpt (images screenshot from FoxNews Article linked above)

Cruz's responses are as follows (images screenshot from FoxNews Article linked above):

What is so frustrating is something I noted a while back from a Bill Burr comedic set where Burr, on the topic of Colin Kaepernick and his choice to kneel for the flag, "Are you going to argue with another person's experience?"

Mr. Cruz, you are correct, context does matter, but Kaepernick's quote was and is not out of context towards the experiences still faced by Americans today. Furthermore to purport that Kaepernick is un-American is outrageous and insensitive, especially in the context of the statement that you made. Because in it, you dismiss what Kaepernick is kneeling against. Don't mute our experience. If I were to help you out,  "Kapernick is not anti-American; he is rightly and passionately, anti-police brutality, injustice and inequality."

I agree with Mr. Cruz that everyone should in fact read Frederick Douglass' speech, What to the slave is the Fourth of July?  it's important in the history AND present of this country. When the vestiges of what Douglass was criticizing still have strongholds to this day. 

If I am honest, I am not even angry with Mr. Cruz, well, partially, because his privilege and the state of our country made him feel he had the right to argue with someone else's experiences. Instead of actually hearing or seeing Mr. Kaepernick for what he has been relentlessly and with great cost been highlighting, Mr. Cruz took it upon himself to step in. What is discouraging are the stories that Mr. Kaepernick was schooled- the truth is, if that's what we are taking away from this then we all lose, because yet again, we are not seeing someone else's experiences. Until we can take a moment to really see each other we are never going to truly figure out a way to work forward.

Colin, thank you for your voice, for it is American. 

Stay on Track---Don't allow this NARRATIVE to be co-opted

This morning, January 25, 2017 the US's 45th President Donald Trump tweeted the following statement:

The conversations that followed these tweets has been adding to what is seen as problematic and loaded and more than just truly investigating if Voter Fraud actually occurred. 

This statement and the continued conversation around this statement is absurd-- this man won the election, he is the 45th President of these United States. And when there was a call into question about how the results ended that way and the structure of the electoral college came into question due to the disparity of the popular vote, individuals were told it was unfair to undermine this campaigns "clear victory."

So now, you are in office and on the 5th day of your time as sitting President, you and your Administration are making claims of Voter Fraud because your ego is bruised that you didn't win the popular vote?

This statement is problematic because first there was slavery, then there was Jim Crow and now you have substantial cases where some of those structural limitations on one's ability to vote are starting to creep back. When you think about it, we haven't even fully closed the gap of the systemic fallout of slavery and Jim Crow. 

So when you see things popping up such as  Voter ID Laws  and the negative impact those have had on people and elections. There are and have been continued efforts to suppress an individuals right to vote. Cases over the last few years continue to rise to the top of each election season and has been a huge campaign in THIS particular election season as well. So when the conversation becomes a focus on Voter Fraud it causes me to raise a critical eye. What is the reason that this conversation, "voter fraud" is taking much more steam, but real acts of voter suppression have not. 

Additionally, it causes me to wonder, at what end will this "major investigation" go? It creates a slippery slope because if the investigation provides and small number of cases, the next step is to then increase restrictions to make acts of voter fraud less likely. But what really does that mean, it allows for more acts of voter suppression to occur. Any law passed allows states and other administrative offices to interpret and execute the law how they see fit. 

This conversation continues to be frustrating. 

If we want to be the change we want to see in the world, we have to call out some of the things that are happening and being said. I recognize that I am hyper-sensitive to the impact because I live in DC and have also studied and continue to be connected to politics, but it's in statements like these that we think-- yes I agree, voter fraud is something that we need to limit, but when history and data prove that voter fraud isn't as big as this Administration is claiming it to be, it creates a distraction of a real fundamental gap in basic civic duty when it comes to people's right to vote being suppressed continuously. 

Don't forget who you are

It is easy in this work of Social Justice to forget that we are also human, it is easy to get caught up in our own ego sometimes when we think we have a point to win-- but don't forget who you are!

This morning I was on one of my social media accounts and I came across this post that caught my attention.

The post had the following statement:

Now what is noted as "This quoted Tweet is unavailable" might have been removed after my conversation, at least I hope so. But the article that was quoted was written by Monica Potts. It can be found here.

After reading Ms. Potts' article I felt that the individual's tweet was misleading. I don't mind the statement that there in fact could be "white women who overwhelmingly voted for Trump and White Supremacist Patriarchy and [then might now have written pieces] about how they're in danger." But the individual's tweet was misleading in assuming that Ms. Potts was one of them.

So I commented, and made the above assessment. Which turned into the individual becoming defensive. Which continued with me sticking to my point, it is unfair to use that article attributing Ms. Potts specifically as a woman who voted for Trump and White Supremacy. If we can't stand up for people and treating them fairly then we continue to perpetuate where we currently are.

But what broke me was this:

"Here you are doing the work of and for white supremacy"---WOW!
 I'll admit I had to take a breather. That on one blow made me angry, made me defensive, made me want to fire back at him. But instead I chose not to message him back- heck, he asked me not to.

But then he took it a step farther, it was fine I guess, for me to have him addressing me directly, regardless of whether or not it was public but then he did this:

I will own for me being called "white" raises so many of my insecurities. As a young girl, my friends teased me about me "talking white" or being the "whitest Black girl they know." Now I love my friends and I know they meant me no harm but the reality is it still was something I struggled with.

However, his false assumption that I was white was perpetuated by a response (see below) to a previous tweet, where in looking at this entire conversation for me just shows me how far out of being rational his thoughts were.

But here I was in the midst of all of this breaking down because I forgot what is at stake. I broke down because I allowed this stranger to tell me who I was. I let his identity destroy me for a brief moment because I let my ego define me. When in fact I know exactly WHO I am and more importantly WHO I belong to. I am a Christian, who cares about people. I will always care about people. It breaks my heart to see injustice, it brakes my heart to see inequality, but in condemning others

We are called to be Salt & Light. -- We are called to bring out the God-Flavors of the earth. We are called to be light, bringing out the God-Colors in the world. What I did was right, I would again and again stand up for that woman. It wasn't okay for her to be singled out in that manner and even if no one else saw it, it was the right thing to do. But I am also not angry with that individual who is also so misguided in his thoughts that he is literally firing shots at everyone. He was waiting for the attack and I gave it to him. 

I don't know how we get through this, but I can't lose sight of the work I am called to do. I can't lose sight of the fact that even in my anger, hurt and pain, people are on the other side of that. People deserve grace, people deserve love, people deserve the experience of the freedom that I have because of the love that I have for Jesus. People---That's what matters, that's what will always matter. 

Not Okay....

These times that we are in is killing my spirit and energy softly. I have been emotionally disrupted with the events that have happened--- #AltonSterling || #PhilandoCastile || #Dallas and the many other events that caused a hashtag, a headline or a history of terror and trauma that have happened before and simultaneously with this time.

Writing is my release, my healing. I can no longer be quite in the spaces that I influence. Action will be my redemption. My voice matters, my vote matters the most and to all of my folks asking what can they do--VOTE!


               -------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Not Okay..

I am not okay

Humanity is not okay

We are not okay

I'm not okay with the state of terror that I live in//

I'm not okay with the blatant disrespect and violence against Black bodies//

I'm not okay with the FEAR, the PAIN, the DISCONTENT and DISORDER that lives within me//

I'm not okay with the silence//

I'm not okay with the neglect//

I'm not okay with the ignorance to not understand the TRAUMA that my community is facing//

I am not okay

Humanity is not okay

We are not okay

I'm not okay with some of the communities I belong to, not acknowledging that individuals they know are in pain and are suffering//

I'm not okay with your inability to say directly to me that you care//

I'm not okay with your inability to acknowledge that you are sorry for what I'm experiencing DIRECTLY TO ME//

I'm not okay with our society making basic expressions of compassion uncomfortable in this moment//

I'm not okay with it feeling like the only comfort I am able to receive, feel and internalize is from my community who is suffering through the same trauma I am//

I am not okay

Humanity is not okay

We are not okay

I'm not okay with seeing Black men & boys walking around me on the street and silently praying they aren't next//

I'm not okay with feeling that I'm making you uncomfortable for sharing my pain//

I'm not okay with feeling that my job is to make you feel less uncomfortable, when my comfort is continuously disrupted in the torment and torture of Black men and families//

Today I am not okay

Tomorrow I might not be okay

But my prayer, my fight, my hope is I will be ~ WE will be ~ Humanity will be

#THISISTRAUMA #THISISTERROR #NoMoreNames #BlackLivesMatter #IMatter

Originally posted on my Inside Keesha's World blog. 

In Mourning.... (Thanks Jamila)

There are many quotes that are running through my head right now as I get ready to put together this post. In particular " All my life I had to fight..." (The Color Purple)  In this current state of the Black experience in the US and even before, we have been having to fight. Fight for others to see us as human beings, to see us worthy, to see us a part of this society. There is a collective feeling of crisis for Black people in this country when we constantly are faced with more and more news that brings back these realities, these traumas of our historical experience.

Another quote that comes to mind is one of Dr. King "They have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom. We cannot walk alone."- I have a dream 

A friend of mine posted this image

With it she expressed things I haven't been able to. I am tired, my heart is literally breaking, I walk around in silence around these issues of injustice that I have seen because my mouth hurts too much to talk about it anymore, my ears hurt to much to hear about it any more and I am just tired. I want to cry every time we add another name to the list- I want to scream every time another child is buried, I want to hit something every time I see an insensitive comment, or someone just voicing their opinion just to hear themselves talk. 

I need everyone to take a collective moment of silence and mourn, mourn for the children we are burying, mourn for the loss of innocence that continues to happen by our hands. I am about to turn 30 and I have seen too much in my lifetime that has dramatically shaped and changed my experience in the world. I can't say that it's not for the better, but when death is all too real and all to close to so many of us, when it can be prevented, we are all at fault. 

I will never be a police officer or know what it is like to have to walk out my door and pray I make it home. I hope to never have to face a moment where I am pleading for my life from someone who feels they have the right to take it. But here is the thing, those points of few are the problem to begin with. Black bodies and police officers are living in this mentality of war and have been for so long.  It is this attitude and mindset that continues to bury my innocence, my hope and my trust that things will get better. When officers walk out in an attitude of war, that attitude permeates the atmosphere in real and ugly ways.

But the same can be said for marginalized people. They walk into this world ready for battle, ready for war against the people who are set to "serve and protect."

This life that we are living is NOT NORMAL. And I need us all to stop acting like it is or this should be.  I need us all to take a pause, to take a moment of silence, not to be silenced, but to really think does it matter what our opinion is, who's wrong and who's right when a life has ended before it was expected?

I'm in mourning because I am tired of seeing the battle between two people who I consider friends on Facebook. I'm in mourning because I am tired of being let down by friends who will never understand the pain that I carry EVERY TIME another one of my collective is murdered, is made a mockery and  created into another visual example that who I am in the larger scope of the world does not matter. I am in mourning because until we as a society get it right, you will never know that 
"[our] freedom is inextricably bound."- Dr. MLK Jr.